It has been a hard day. Autism is kicking my butt. I am feeling very inadequate and unqualified. I have been really struggling with JJ and not making much progress. He is so hard sometimes. Today was an "aggressive" day. JJ was fighting with me at every turn. Hitting me when I wouldn't let him have Mt. Dew. Biting me out of frustration because the head broke off of his Spongebob toy. Kicking me when I tried to put on his shoes for school. Jumping on my back whenever I bent over or sat down. This is a big kid. He's heavy and strong, and outweighs MJ and TJ, who are 2 and 4 years older. I feel beat up at the end of days like this. Literally beat up.
How can I raise this child? He's going to be bigger than me before to long. What if he never learns to talk and is always physically aggressive to express his frustration? How can I continue to hold him like a baby? Developmentally he still is a baby, and he wants to be held and cuddled like a baby does. How do I let him play outside when I can't keep up with him? I worry everyday that he will run too far ahead of me and into a dangerous situation.
I have had some feelings recently about what life was like in Heaven. It was desperately needed personal inspiration. I really believe that JJ and I decided together that I was to be his mother. He was a complete man, with no disability, fully aware of who I am, and he wanted me to be his mother. I promised him that I would care for him. Heavenly Father trusted me to love this precious child who cannot take care of himself on this earth. It is an honor. I love this little boy so much. He is my heart. And I need him because he loves me unconditionally.
Autism is hard. Really hard. Some days I wonder how I will ever make it through. But at the end of the day, this little boy is mine. And I will do what I have to do because I love him. I will keep pressing on....
Catch me if you can-