Monday, January 08, 2007

Had a Hard Day

It has been a hard day. Autism is kicking my butt. I am feeling very inadequate and unqualified. I have been really struggling with JJ and not making much progress. He is so hard sometimes. Today was an "aggressive" day. JJ was fighting with me at every turn. Hitting me when I wouldn't let him have Mt. Dew. Biting me out of frustration because the head broke off of his Spongebob toy. Kicking me when I tried to put on his shoes for school. Jumping on my back whenever I bent over or sat down. This is a big kid. He's heavy and strong, and outweighs MJ and TJ, who are 2 and 4 years older. I feel beat up at the end of days like this. Literally beat up.

How can I raise this child? He's going to be bigger than me before to long. What if he never learns to talk and is always physically aggressive to express his frustration? How can I continue to hold him like a baby? Developmentally he still is a baby, and he wants to be held and cuddled like a baby does. How do I let him play outside when I can't keep up with him? I worry everyday that he will run too far ahead of me and into a dangerous situation.

I have had some feelings recently about what life was like in Heaven. It was desperately needed personal inspiration. I really believe that JJ and I decided together that I was to be his mother. He was a complete man, with no disability, fully aware of who I am, and he wanted me to be his mother. I promised him that I would care for him. Heavenly Father trusted me to love this precious child who cannot take care of himself on this earth. It is an honor. I love this little boy so much. He is my heart. And I need him because he loves me unconditionally.

Autism is hard. Really hard. Some days I wonder how I will ever make it through. But at the end of the day, this little boy is mine. And I will do what I have to do because I love him. I will keep pressing on....

Catch me if you can-
~AJ

9 comments:

Olivia said...

this just breaks my heart. I wish I had something to say to help take the weight off, but I don't. I will say that he really is a lucky little boy that you are his mom.

The Mathews Four said...

You said it so beautifully. Heavenly Father sent JJ to you because YOU are the one that can love him and raise him just how Heavenly Father would want him to be loved and raised. You are a gem and JJ is so blessed to have you.

Rachelle said...

I wish there was something I could do or say to make it easier. I'm sorry it's so hard. It sounds like you have some wonderful revelation on it. Hugs to you and know that we are here if you need to vent!

Emlouisa said...

I am so sorry that things are so rough. JJ is such a great kid! And you are a GREAT mom. Hang in there, pray for guidance and strength. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Stacey said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. Your honesty is beautiful, and inspiring. As is your spirit. Sending *lots* of hugs and prayers your way....

Heididodah said...

I'm so humbled at what a wonderful mom you are. I'm not sure I could do as great a job as you are doing with your wonderful boy. He's such a doll and very lucky to have you.

Tharker said...

I came across your blog on the LDS women blogsite. I feel for you right now. I have a 3 year old son that was born with a severe physical disablity. There are days when I wonder how in the world I am going to get through this?

Heavenly Father knows you and your son. And his love for each of you is endless. I agree with you, I think that our children chose to come to these little bodies at this time. It's a pretty sobering thought for me to think that Heavenly Father knows that we can do this! Like you said, he trusts you with His child. Treasure that trust and feel His love for you. I know that it will help on those extra tough days.

Thanks for letting me sneak in on your blog, I'm very inspired by your posts. You're welcome to check mine out anytime.

Melissa said...

I too came across your blog from the LDS Women's blog site... I have a 6 year old with Autism. And it's hard. And there are days when I want to throw my hands in the air and scream at the heavens "Why me? WHY HIM??" It just feels so unfair at time. But, then, he will catch my eye and I can see so much more there than the screaming and the tantrums. We just went through a spell where my Little Bug wouldn't wear shoes. Intense panic every time he even saw them. But, he has gotten past it. I know I'm a total stranger, but just thought you'd like to know that you're not alone. :)

AmberL said...

You are an inspiration to me. you are so very strong and positive.I wish we lived closer...I would love to know you better!

You are so very blessed!!