Thursday, May 19, 2011

I am really struggling. Several things in my life are extremely difficult right now, and I feel at a loss for how to fix it.

I am a fixer, an obsessive researcher, a don't-rest-till-I-have-an-answer type of woman. So trying to continue day to day with things I have no control over is really killing me.

The future is all up in the air. My husband lost his job. Its been over a month already and there are no prospects. We will have to move. We could lose our house with no income to pay the mortgage. Bills are being pushed aside and continue to grow. Its a heavy, heavy load on Chris and I both. He's feeling like he let us all down and I admit to agreeing. I am let down. I love this man, I need him. That hasn't changed. But we have a family that relies on him and now we are free-falling.

We lost our insurance. This alone will pull us under. I can't survive a single day without insulin to manage my diabetes.

Jacob needs his medications right now more than he ever has. The aggression has been intense. Today he hurt a caregiver. She left our house with bruises and tears. He violently threw things out the second story window. He slammed Chris' arm in the door and really hurt him. I had to hold the handle of his bedroom door as he threw furniture at it from the other side. I stood there crying as I forced my little boy to stay in his room in hysterics.

I am overwhelmed and afraid for the future.

I have to remember that I am loved. By my family and friends, and by my Savior. I am not alone despite feeling that way. I get hugged several times a day by my favorite people and we continue to laugh together in spite of it all. These are my tender mercies.


Candee said...

Alaina, I am so sorry you are having such extreme struggles. I hope and pray for you and your family. I love you.

Heather said...

Oh Alaina, I'm so sorry. I've been so out of the loop for so long, I had no idea. I hope things have gotten a little better since this post. I'll add my prayers.