Monday, February 09, 2009


I have a bruised up arm, a bloody toe, my head aches from my hair being pulled, and my already-problematic knee is killing me.

The freezer door will not close, a vase I inherited from my grandma is broken, a keepsake from a long-ago trip to Mexico is shattered, and every can of corn from my food storage is dented from being thrown.

My home and I- beaten up by a seven year old, once again.

Yesterday evening Jacob was told "no" when he pulled a chair into the pantry and got down a third juice box. This set him off, and today, almost 24 hours later, he is still on the verge of exploding and I am afraid to deny him anything.

One small thing- no more juice after already having 2- caused such an aggressive episode and makes me afraid of my son. His response to anything negative, no matter how insignificant it really is, is hugely over-blown into an event that causes feelings of hopelessness, frustration and real physical pain to me and the rest of my family.

A few things that have caused similar tantrums in the past: a missing toy, brushing his teeth, taking off a shirt he has worn for 3 days straight, bed time, turning off a cartoon, not taking him on a car ride immediately after he requests it, and the most common- denial of food.

I really worry about my feet. I have Type 1 (Juvenile) diabetes, and damaged nerves in the feet is one of the first and most likely complications I face. I'm typing this as my toe still throbs from something that happened over two hours ago.

There is a high probability of Jacob permanently braking or otherwise injuring my toes and feet and my body being unable to heal. Its hard enough to physically contain him when necessary right now, how could I manage if I don't have full use of my body?? I worry about this all the time.

In the past we have tried different medication that are supposed to suppress aggressive behavior. Anti-psychotics (which I hate simply because of the name), mood altering anti-depressants, meds that are simply meant to calm him and cause mild sedation, ADHD and OCD prescribed drugs.

I don't think drugging Jacob is the solution to this problem. I would like him to be his natural, curious, creative self. But at what cost?

Behavioral therapy has been tried and tried again but nothing has worked effectively for long. The ideal solution would be to find ways of calming him down by just using sensory techniques, but we have yet to find any trigger for this behavior other than simply not liking what his dad or I request/deny him.

I went around the house today and moved everything he might be able to throw or otherwise hurt anyone with. But we cannot afford to buy a new fridge, so what do i do about that? Chris has already repaired it a few times, and it is barely a year old. I can't replace many of the broken or damaged items in my home, and I cannot afford to repair the bed/table/couch/TV and other items that cost more than free.

As I am typing this, Jacob comes up to me and kisses my arm, looking adorable in his homemade mermaid costume (The Little Mermaid is his current obsession) and smiling like he wasn't trying to hurt me just a while ago.

Tonight as he gets tired (medication-induced) he will want to snuggle close with his arms tightly around me. I'll hug him and kiss him and think about how soft his skin is, still like a baby, and about the many blessings he has brought into my life.

And as he falls asleep I'll pray for help.


Tambi Lane said...

I worry about you....I know you LOVE your son, and you are doing such a wonderful job with him. I am amazed at your patience. You are always in my mind, and in my prayers.

Amy said...


The Curry Family said...

Be strong for your little man. He needs you more now that ever. My prayers are with you and your family. My the lord guide you and must of all protect you in your time need.

Brook Curry

Jaimers said...

Oh, Alaina, to be in your shoes! You are such an amazing person. Jacob is so lucky to have a mother that cares enough to endure what you endure. It's not b/c other mothers have failed, or haven't loved them enough to care for them on their own, it's just b/c they were tired, and scared for themselves and their family. I really just don't know how you do it, or how you'll continue to do it, but I know that you know that the Lord is mindful of you and will carry you when you need it. Even without your diabetes, the damage could be serious. You really are one of the most truly amazing people I know!

Kelsee said...

That made me cry.

BTDT in some ways, just not to the degree that you deal with on a continual basis. I don't know how you keep going other than the fact that you have no other options. It is what it is. You seem to dig deep and find a little more in your reserve. Your strength and spirit are so inspiring to me.

I think you are amazing, resilient and strong. Hang in there. Love you!!

Jeannette said...

I love ya. I will pray for you and Jacob.

Jeannie Reid said...

What about SON-RISE???

Snigger Fam said...

I am always in awe of you. I am praying, too.