I spent last Wednesday interviewing respite care providers. My goal is to hire and train three employees to take care of Jacob. Seven days later and I cannot bring myself to offer anyone the job. I want to, I really do. It would be a substantial relief to have someone to call on when I need help with caring for Jacob.
I want a real professional to tell me what to do. I do not like being the boss. I am not good at it.
There were several nice people who applied to work with Jacob. Only two with any real experience, but all very open to being trained for his specific needs which is really all they need.
Regardless, I am having a ridiculously hard time extending trust to someone that I do not already know to care for my most vulnerable loved one.
Whomever I decide to hire would go through fingerprinting and background checks. I could fire this person at any time if I had reason to. This should reassure me, right?
Except how many times does an individual with perfectly clean background turn out to be the bad guy? Maybe not even the bad guy but simply not very nice, or just unobservant enough to let Jacob slip out the front door?
What if he is crying and they don't comfort him but instead decide he needs to suck it up? Jacob can't tell me, not in any typical way. I have to rely on what I see and on my mother's intuition. So what if I don't notice if something is amiss? Perhaps it is my own instincts that I do not trust.
Are my fears valid? Do other parents feel the same way when the time comes to put the care of a special child into the hands of someone else? Do other moms and dads just continue to avoid making a decision, or are they able to get over it and be happy to get the break they deserve?
How can I expect Jacob to grow and accept new people and experiences when I'm not even giving it a chance?? I feel like a child myself-knowing what is best for me, but choosing to be stubborn. Am I shortchanging him? If I hold off for now will he miss out on something that could have changed his life?
Chris and I have been attending to Jacob's every need with no help for all these years. As difficult as it is at times, we love him and want the very best for him. No one else will ever feel like we do for this little boy. To let go of this now and depend on a stranger is a monumental change for my family.
I am not ready.