Friday, July 06, 2007

This day has been so hard already. It's only noon.

Jacob is so so so difficult. It's physically hard to take care of him. He is 110lbs, and when he wants something, I can't stop him. He bites, pulls my hair, grinds his shoes into the top of my feet, shoves. This has happened twice already today, this last time I had to drag him, by the legs, pulling with all my strength, into the house from the front yard. He kicks and pulls and it is really terrible. I don't know how I can continue to overpower him for much longer. He is so strong. He has bruised and bloodied me many times. I go through my days constantly tensed and ready for an assault. It really wears on me. Today as he was banging on the front window with all his might, while I cried across the room out of desperation, I was just wishing I could send him away. Then I feel sick. How could I wish my own child away?

And right now as I write this he is peacefully drawing. Sweet kid with a toothless smile and a hug for anyone. He's like a giant toddler, with all the mischief and fun that toddlers bring. We laugh and play with him and he brings us a sense of purpose. A reassurance that we will always have him, he will always be our baby. Sometimes I am grateful for that. We are codependent.

I can go from my highest- me and my three children playing and enjoying one another on a nice summer day- to my lowest- a bite mark bleeding on my arm and tears streaming down my face- in a matter of minutes. It's emotionally and physically exhausting, the dramatic energy swings in my house. How could I be anything but slightly crazy?

~AJ

4 comments:

The Mathews Four said...

I can't wait to see you in a few weeks so I can give you a real life hug. JJ is so special and so are you. I love you!

Anonymous said...

I don't think you should feel guilty for wishing for breaks--all mothers do, and your situation particularly warrants it. You are doing well. You are not crazy. Hang in there!

Inkling said...

That was me. Inkling, up there.

MusicalMom said...

You are so amazing! I don't know how you do it. (((HUGS)))