Worth It

I do this because I have to. It is not a trial I would have chosen. Too much heartache and too many unknowns.


There are blessings, absolutely. Without this trial I'd be a lesser person. The attributes that make me a good mother to this individuals special needs are qualities I have of because of Jacob.


I was doing a pretty good job of parenting my typical kids before autism came. They have always been happy and active and smart. But nothing ever required the extent of care that is now a necessity and, daily fact of life and I don't know what parenting style I would have grown into otherwise. I don't think that version of me would have been as tough as this one.


I was watching Oprah this afternoon while folding laundry. She was featuring and family who adopted a severely neglected little girl. When the young girl, Dani, was removed form her home she was six years old and had been confined for who knows how long to a small, filthy room with only an old, ripped mattress.


She weighed less than 30 pounds, couldn't walk normally, was wearing diapers, drinking what little she was actually fed from a bottle, and not speaking. The adoptive family wanted to care for a child, and when they saw her there was an immediate connection.


They have taken her into their lives, love her, care for her, work hours upon hours to help her, and are seeing progress in her development. Slow progress, but infinitely more than she would have gotten had she continued under the roof of her shamefully neglectful biological mother.


I watched the videos of her daily life and saw so many similarities to what goes on at my house. She reminded me quite a lot of Jacob. I assume Dani's new parents are dealing with more physical impairment issues than am, and I deal with more aggression and attacks. But, in general, the degree of delay in speech and the unusual behaviors looked the same.


I started off at the beginning of the program thinking "I do that all day. Where's my pat on the back? I didn't have a choice in the matter."


Selfish, I know. As soon as I thought it I felt ashamed of myself. So I closed my eyes and said a prayer for myself. Specifically to feel kindness and empathy, and not the desire for acknowledgement and credit.


I have a Father in heaven, as we all do, who loves me and wants me to be the best I can be, and he lovingly granted me new feelings about the situation almost immediately. My thoughts turned to the generosity and selflessness and open hearts of this family who made a choice to raise a child with such severe disabilities and an unknown future.


They saw her at her lowest, they welcomed the challenge, and they wanted her. That is something to admire. That is true love and charity. They are miles above me.


If I could choose, if I were able to decide to have three normal children and the simpler trials they present, I would have. I'm not that tough. I want things to be easier.


But, again, my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knew that Jacob would make me a bigger person. He saw my potential to love unconditionally and to see this special boy as more of a blessing than a burden.


I am a better mother and wife, a better daughter, sister, friend, and child of God because of my personal challenges and experiences. Someone wise said, "I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it." Words to keep a mother going.


On the days when it just feels to heavy to carry- I can lighten my load with a prayer in my heart. I recall in my mind the blessings I have gotten and the blessings that are sure to come.

Lesson Of The Week

MJ got a referral on Wednesday. Not a referral to a new doctor or specialist, which is the kind of referral we are used to getting in our house, but the kind of referral that means she has a black mark on her school record. I never got in trouble at school (my rebellion flew under the radar) and I was completely shocked, and pretty upset, when I discovered the big yellow note from the principal that MJ left on the table for me to find- after she was asleep.



I was so taken by surprise that I didn't even go wake her up to make her explain. It said that MJ had kicked a boy at recess, leaving a red lump and bruise, as her defense to some boy/girl teasing. She was expected to write an apology to the boy, and to skip recess for several days.

I sat at the table with the note in hand and cried. It was like the first sign that she is being affected by JJ and his aggression towards her. I wasn't even really upset with her, just worried and saddened that she resorted to physical assault (their words) to deal with a problem. There is no doubt that she may have some issues with personal space and boundaries. She deals with being mauled and attacked on a regular basis. She's used to pushing Jacob off of her and sometimes, shoving him away just so she can make her escape. It's not normal for a nine year old to have to do this everyday. Maybe I thought she was dealing with it better than she is.



So after I processed that, I started feeling defensive. Why should she have to make an apology? It was clear that the boy was being mean, and emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Harder to heal from and longer lasting, in most cases. I'm currently re-training to answer domestic violence crisis hotline calls, so this issue has been at the front of my mind lately. So, I reasoned, if she has to say sorry, than he should have to as well. I was feeling very justified in this position. My plan was to go into the school in the morning, sit down with the principal, a give her a piece of my mind about how the situation was handled. (It's no secret that I'm impulsive and can be hot headed.) As an afterthought, my plan also included calling Madison into the office, and making sure that she knew this was not OK, no matter what, but that I was on her side.



I slept on it.



So Thursday morning I don't even mention it to MJ. Her dad had found the note and signed it before work, so it was easy to avoid talking about it before she headed out to the bus stop. I arrived at the school, all prepared to be tough, and the principal was not available. (Impulsive people don't make appointments.) So I sat for 20 minutes or so, watching the kids come and go, listening to the receptionist interact with the students, and slowly began to soften. And when the principal came around the corner with a big smile and a "so nice to meet you" I was taken down a few notches.



We sat down in her office, and I asked her what exactly had happened on the playground the day before. She told me the story, about how this classroom seems to be very hormonally charged, and how the boy was inappropriate and not innocent in the situation. At this point I hadn't said much, and all my previous judgements and criticism washed away. First of all, I realized, this woman doesn't need to hear it from me. She followed procedure. There is a "no tolerance" policy, and she adhered to the rules. Policies like this are protecting our kids every day all over the country, and who was I to expect that my child was above it?



Secondly, she was kind. She asked me about how MJ was feeling about it after a day had passed, and I told her MJ and I had not talked about it, yet. I told her all about JJ, and what MJ's home life is like. We talked about how the school could support MJ, and TJ as well. I asked if maybe MJ could talk to the school's counsellor once a week to have an adult to vent to, to have an impartial person listen to her and help her work out whatever she is feeling and dealing with at home. Then MJ came in to the office, and the principal sat with us, without saying a word, while I told MJ that I was disappointed. How I had been worried that she had hurt feelings and couldn't tell me. I said although she is very physical at home , for good reason, she needed to understand she can't hurt people when she is upset. explained that we were going to work on finding a way for her to let out some anger and negative emotions so she doesn't build it up and let it out on another person. Then I hugged her tight, reminded her how much I love her, and sent her back to class. The principal didn't need too say a word. After MJ walked away, she said that I was a good mom. That I handled it like a pro. And that she respected and admired the way I spoke with MJ. That was really nice to hear.



CJ and I talked about it later that night. He said he was proud of her for defending herself, and now he wants to teach her how to punch. He wants her to always stick up for herself, and her brothers, even if it means she gets a little rough. He'd rather have her in trouble for kicking boy than have her a victim to anything. I see his point, and don't totally disagree, but we put off that discussion for another day.



So the referral turned out not to be such a bad thing. I went through a range of emotions, dealt with the problem and came out feeling good. MJ gained an opportunity to have time to work on her own issues with the school counsellor, and hopefully a better way to deal with these types of situations. I learned a little about trusting other adults when it comes to working with my kids, and to not become so defensive so quickly.



I guess we all come away from things with different lessons learned and our own opinions formed.