I shouldn't blog when I have PMS.
I'm much happier and more level-headed today than I was a few days ago when I whined and proclaimed my-autism-is-worse-than-your-autism.
What sparked my pity party was the comment I received from an acquaintance at church: "You could change it if you had enough faith."
Who are you, lady who patted my shoulder consolingly and said those cutting words, to determine how much faith I have? You barely know me. And faith in what? Faith in medicine? Faith in therapy? Surely you don't mean faith in God, because only a clueless and inconsiderate person would tell a parent of a special needs child that it could all be cured if only they had faith! That really cut deep. And it isn't the first time an uninformed but well-meaning church person has said something like this.
I believe in miracles. I have witnessed miraculous things that have occurred from the pure faith of a human being. But I don't for one second believe that Heavenly Father is holding Jacob back from being a normal kid because he is testing me, and that a few more prayers could change everything.
If faith was all it took for Jacob to not have autism, I'd be the first person at church every Sunday and the last one to leave. I'd probably move in. I'd be on my knees in prayer more than I already am and I can guarantee my husband would be, too.
What I do know is that God is there to help me through it. Jacob is this way and since, thus far, I haven't been able to change it, I rely on Him for courage, for insight, for comfort. I have faith that He knows whats best for me and my son and wants us to be happy. I have faith in that.
Now about feeling sorry for myself and the lack of friends who are in the same place as me- feeling isolated in my particular situation gives me no right to begrudge those who have been blessed enough to find a cure. When I am thinking more clearly, I know without a doubt that these fortunate families tried very hard to find the answers and they deserve respect for that.
If I could find a cure for Jacob you can bet I'd be writing about it and sharing the news and trying to get the word out to other moms. I CAN learn from these stories, even if I don't find anything that works for my son, and I appreciate the dedication and time and love that other mothers put into caring for their autistic children. And it is not impossible that something I read could spark and idea or give me insight into making things better for Jacob. It isn't too late for him.