Sunday, January 20, 2008
Writing it out to get it off my mind.
I had two professionals (one from the county Developmental Disabilities Services, the other works for the school district) over to talk about stuff with JJ. He was so awful while they were here. Hitting, knocking things off the counter, kicking me, trying to bite me, and I had to hold on to him and let him do this to me because when he gets like this and I don't restrict he does it to someone else. He did get out of my arms for a second and went straight to one of the women and hit her on the head. He was laughing like an insane person, and spitting at me. It was really really awful and embarrassing. Yet at the same time it is just the reality of how Jacob is at his worst, so it was good for them to see. One of the women, who deals with a large case load of kids with autism and other developmental disabilities, said that this is the point where families start to consider placing their child in a group home or residential care. It really made me hurt to hear that. It can be so hard just to get through the day with JJ. And substantially worse when someone comes over- it disrupts his routine. But then there are times when he is so sweet and funny and we have a great time with him. So where is the middle ground?? How do I get through the really bad times?? I'll often brake down and cry as soon as any visitors are out the door. But I am nowhere close to letting my child go live with people who are paid to take care of him. The bad times would be dealt with differently, and there would be no love. I never want him to be somewhere that he isn't feeling loved. But then how can I keep pushing aside my other kid's needs and alone time with them because JJ needs me more?? It is not fair to them at all. They are such good kids, so kind and smart, and their teachers gave glowing reports at conferences this week, and yet how long can it last?? The way JJ is towards them, and how his behavior determines almost everything that happens at home, has got to be having some negative effect on them. I know all the benefits to being raised with a special needs sibling, and I hold on to and encourage these things, but the drawbacks are pretty darn big. I am so grateful that I get to leave the house for a few hours tonight. I need something to take my mind off the hard stuff.